I’m Coming Out!

“Being gay is like glitter, it never goes away”-Lady Gaga

The quote above is so true when it comes to my story of trying to find myself. Just to warn you this next section is DEEP. (Insert food comment here because as we all know I love food) so if you’d rather read something funnier I would click the x in corner, but it will be worth a read.

When did I know I was gay? Tough question. I never thought I was. This isn’t going to be a tell all story of my life by the way, I’m saving that for when I’m famous and starting to run out of money so need to bring a brutal autobiography out to bring back all my millions that I spent on doner kebabs and kfcs. Right back to trying to be an inspiration, so first of all about 3 or maybe even 4 years ago now I came out as bisexual. I know what you’re all thinking, bisexual is just greediness, but I’m greedy in all aspects of my life why not my sexuality, and it wasn’t the right time lets just say that.

I am not really a fan of labels and no I’m not jumping on the 21st century attitude of I’m neither man nor women, no offence trying to be made here as I realise that some people truly feel this way and it makes no difference to my life whatsoever. I have always had the attitude of if I fall in love with a man, cool. If I fall in love with a woman, cool. However I can comfortably say that I find women a lot more attractive, physically, emotionally and sexually than men, so if someone was to ask me what I am. (A perfect stunning chubby hilarious individual with a vagina) if you’re asking but I would say a lesbian.

So fast forward 3 and a bit years and here I am, a fully fledged lesbian with a fiancée. I know, so intense. Just as intense as trying to decide what to eat first at an all you can eat restaurant. If you’re wondering what id go for first because I am a pro when it comes to food decisions, always is the salad bar, ease yourself in gently. (Insert dirty comment here if you are DISGUSTENG) and if you didn’t say that in a Scottish accent then please press the x in the corner. JOKING.

So yeah I kept quiet about my sexuality for 2 years more or less, carried on with putting up with dick pics on tinder. Then Amy slid in to my snapchat, she will make out it was the other way around but when does Hannah Brown do the chasing? And literally the rest is history. The most serious thing I would say about this story is that I was very low before Amy and I found each other and I truly think that if I hid any longer I don’t think I would be here writing this today. It sucks you up like Henry hoover, I always make light of situations and if you know me I am always laughing and smiling and not to blow my own trumpet (here I go) the party does not start until I walk in. No-one knew the true pain I was feeling as I never showed it, never told anyone really apart from my dr when I went to counselling. I can’t even believe I had to have counselling for anxiety, there is no shame in accepting the help, the hardest bit is accepting you need the help first.

So I am going to end this here because number one I’m not crying you are and number 2 there is some crumpets with my name on.

Just a quick shoutout to my family and friends who love Amy more than they love me (not sure if that is possible because I am perfection but whatever)

and most importantly to the love of my life, thank you for showing me that the true meaning of love isn’t dependent on the gender but the soul. LOVE YOU!

Fat Bird Over and Out

Too Fat For Surgery

Too fat For Surgery

Right on the 6th December I was meant to be having surgery but now i’ve been told I am too fat for said surgery. I have to lose 3 stone and as said by the nurse talking in relation to my weight it is such shame as I am a pretty girl. I find it worrying that these people are looking after people on a daily basis and also being mindful of peoples mental health which I do feel strongly about. So I left hospital that day with only one thing on my mind, Mcdonalds. And to be fair it is the only thing that has been on my mind ever since I’ve been on this poxy diet. I can’t criticise diets now as I am on one. So I am going to take you all on this journey with me of weekly insights of my meltdowns, cravings and just plain misery I am expecting but must remain positive that apples will make me thin. So how did my first two weeks go? WELL…if work stop having fucking buffets then id be great at this diet lark. I did sneak a cheese and onion roll without anyone seeing, crazy how a fat bird can become like tomb raider when she’s trying to hide her food addiction from the world honestly. But apart from that I’ve been good (does salt and vinegar crisps count if someone else got them for you and you didn’t want to be rude and refuse them?) ok what about honey coated cashews? no. I know what doesn’t count is the m&m peanuts that I demolished because they’re mostly peanut anyway and they’re good for you. Alright so apart from that I’ve been good, I’ve been eating porridge, apples, chicken, oranges, toby carved with cauliflower cheese, creamy garlic mash and chocolate fudge cake and custard. I feel like I have this diet shit sussed you know so tonight I treated myself to an all you can eat Indian. All jokes aside I have in fact lost 6 pound since starting this diet as when temptation isn’t there I am strict about what I eat. I noticed that tonight in the all you can eat, usually I’m right there loading it all on like the little pig that went to market. Tonight I did not over indulge as I just didn’t want the cut marks from my trousers, normally id wear leggings to take the full capacity of my food filled belly but I’m learning. So this is my journey and I am going to share it with you every step of the way, every meltdown, emotion and laugh. Talking about meltdown, had one on Thursday, craved chocolate so bad I actually took Sharon’s Malteser reindeer she was actually eating mind, hence how much of an animal I am when it does come to food, off her desk and bit off its big toe. It was the smallest piece of chocolate ever but the most satisfying. I’m sure I will have plenty of these stories over the next coming weeks but until then I’m off to drink some water (because I think I’m hungry and everyone keeps telling me I’m thirsty not hungry. Croc of shit) Fat Bird over and out!

Plus Size Fashion

I’m back on the bacon with my fat dramas and real thoughts, and right now I am going to make a statement, I regard myself as plus size. This does not mean I take well to the plus size fashion most probably bought and chose into the stores by unflavoured wafers! The thought process must be, ‘how do we cover the large areas with the most unflattering materials and designs?’ you may as well take your batwing templates and your metal studs, holes and poles and let us run round free and naked, I am not a tent and I will not wear something that represents metals on a campsite!
‘Plus size’ sections are avoided more by the above average weight than the petite and mid range sizes, it isn’t even the label put onto the fashion, it is the actual fashion that’s so questionable, it has become quite literally avoidable. High street fashion stores have more wrap arounds than a Mexican food shack. All good and well when you’re Katie Price with big baboonas, not when your woman hood represents nothing more than small poached eggs, here I am back to food again, it’s always on the brain…
I’ve previously stomped onto how I feel about knee-high boots representing porridge like substances on a warm day, squeezing the blood out’ve my legs. If I keep delving into the lower region, I come to leggings, the only praise I’ll give to these unflattering fashion ranges. Leggings are my personal go-to, but that comes down to comfort and adaptability, everybody who wants to be seen as casual and comfortable, no matter what size, will revert to leggings.
However, these denim blue jeggings need to stop and go back to the year of 2010, and the butt enhancing shapes may not be needed in this section, I’ve got just enough booty to be handled. I would like to mention that once I pull up the leggings, an ‘oversized t-shirt’ will not do the job, they’re short enough in length to show more lumps than a camel in the Dubai desert, especially on a hot day…
The styles and templates are extremely basic and down right ugly; we need to be asking the question as to why? Do we not have enough personality and individual style OR are fashion companies hiring people unqualified to do their jobs adequately in the mainstream stores for people of our size? I am above average and not basic let’s remember that!

Introduction

Heavy, happy and down right diva!

Knowing who you are, you’d think it comes easy, especially today; in fact for some people it becomes a bit of a mission. I’m Hannah, regularly referred to as Bunny Brown and Hannah Banana, a youthful girl, who is outspoken, humorous and an all round ten out of ten, the life of a fat bird in a society of skinny chicks.
Round is a word that has seemed to rule my life. Over the years I have somehow found additional fat wrap itself around my body, nothing to do with the potential snacking syndrome or badly followed diets. Diet is the second word that has ruled my life, you know how it is, when these fad adverts show up on your Facebook feed, “Lean in 15”, (it takes me fifteen minutes to walk up the stairs some days and I don’t get to the top with a lean body and a ripped six pack!) “The Jayne Diet”, and who the fuck is Jayne? I don’t see what she could have possibly done to have a whole diet named after her, this kind of shit makes me mad for muffins.
Discovering the ten life, a clear explanation of this, is being a unicorn in a world full of ponies. Self belief is essential, especially when you get the times, more often than not, when you can’t find a decent pair of winter knee high boots that don’t make your chunky calves spill out of the top like porridge on a warm day. I may be a big lady but I am still damn sexy and I most definitely have the right to wear fashionable clothes and embrace my own style, without the fear of the drab ‘plus’ sized fashion, just because I’m a few pounds prettier than the rest of you.
Basically, what I am trying to say is that I haven’t always been this happy, I’ve had those times where I look at my stretch marks on my tummy (even without pregnancy), or the times I was called the funny one instead of the pretty one. Hold in there, I’m not 16 anymore, I’ve reached the prime age of 25 and I have one of the most endearing traits, I’m exceptionally humorous. I may not have that blonde hair, thigh gap and French plaits that you see totting around at festivals, but boy oh boy can I look fabulous in glitter, with a cocktail at hand and radiating confidence like no other damn bitch out there. Am I right or am I right?
If you’re sat there thinking, “OMG, I relate!” then doll, read on because this is about to get so much better, I’ll be giving you weekly insights on how to adapt your mind in knowing your self worth, with all the fat and funny dramas included, no pie left unturned.